It’s hard to be positive when…

you are cursed. You are Michael Jordan and you can’t make a lay-up. You are Scarlett Johansson and you can’t get a guy. You are the ocean and you can’t cause a breeze…

You need to be positive because no one else can tolerate your actual life– the neutrally charged version… You’ve burned through all your friends already, and you are about to burn through the one you care about the most. Maybe you already have. Maybe it’s best you just let this person go- join the sea of victims who have gotten close to you only to end up estranged. Because you are too real, too honest- and your life is simply too dark.

Or maybe two paragraphs is enough to chill you the fuck out. To make you realize that this person does not belong in the scrap heap- even if they’ve finally come up for a little air. So what? No one can hold their breath as long as you can– strapped to a big ass anchor, plummeting deeper and deeper into The Abyss everyday. You have to realize at some point that no one has your lung capacity.

You played poker with Adam “Pac man” Jones at the Hard Rock in Vegas years ago, and you mentally noted that he was the realest person you had ever met. Maybe if you met him now you’d have the deeper stare. You’d be the one pulling chips off the table and stuffing them into your pockets in between hands. Either way you have become too real for anyone to handle for very long…

Unless you change.

Again you flirted with the idea of intentionally crashing your car as you drove home at wildly varying speeds from ANOTHER cold-deck tank call slow roll massacre- you thought better of it (as you always have- so far), coasted into your garage, ate half a bag of party size Doritos Cool Ranch, got salt/sugar/whatever the fuck is on those things all over the keys of your laptop, crashed, woke up, said to yourself WTF did I write last night- and more importantly, WTF is this incredible shit all over my laptop?“… all after tapping a resource for some funds (because as much as you talk dumb, you still believe in probability/odds/expectation/duh), working out and creating a positive attitude- as only working out and screaming a Jay Z/Linkin Park mash-up at peak exertion can- only to do the same exact thing (minus the Doritos- no idea where those came from) you did the night before, and the night before that- 365 nights in a backwards row.

This shit isn’t for everyone.

It isn’t for anyone…

But what if you can’t change? What if you can smile for a while- but you can never pretend what is real is fake (and vice versa)? What if when you are standing outside and it’s raining cold blood, you don’t scream, “Oh my God” and dive for cover? You just look straight ahead with sideways lips- maybe you even clean them a little bit with your tongue from time to time, because why the fuck not?

Well then you need to change-

your life. Not your way of thinking. That would be insane- to pretend what is real is fake (and vice versa). How you gonna taste wine when you are drinking cold blood? How are you gonna say, “These keys are smooth and my stomach feels great” when each letter you press is a black square covered in bright orange shit- with a capital White letter trying to glow below the surface- and your stomach feels like, well, rock ‘n’ roll?

You aren’t.

But what if you stop putting yourself in harm’s way- like you always lecture your daughter to (not put herself in harm’s way)? What if you stop being a doormat and instead become a peep hole? What if you say “fuck poker- for now, it’s completely twisted my patience into a tight coil and made my decision making unacceptable”? What if you stop blaming yourself subconsciously for all the misery you endured when you were a toddler? What if you never stop thinking about it- but immediately stop dwelling on it?

You have fulfilled your sentence. You have achieved your enlightenment. You have stumbled upon the Holy Grail (decode this somewhere on if you want). It’s up to you if you want to step out of the cell and experience the free world. The slider is unlocked.

The old guy in that movie with Andy Dufraine… He was much older than you are. Much weaker…

RIP old man. I’m gonna go for a walk now- a long one…

(your left arm makes a backwards C and connects to your left hip as you open the slider)


Want to get these posts delivered to you the moment they are published?

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Categories Poker Life

4 thoughts on “It’s hard to be positive when…

  1. OK, I just proofread and this is the realest shit I have ever written… One of my favorite people in Vegas is Mike Massey. We have had a few brief but real talks about what poker can do to you emotionally. I don’t have his number somehow, but I want him to read this. If someone has his number/email, plz send him this post. Also I need his number probably because I need to hang out with that guy more. Kid is a beacon…


  2. You just look straight ahead with sideways lips- maybe you even clean them a little bit with your tongue from time to time, because why the fuck not?

    Oh Shit.


  3. nah man, goosebumps.
    keep killing it


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close