If Someone Bought A Shirt…

If someone bought a shirt I would kiss my left bicep. If someone bought a shirt I would smirk- and then try to be humble. If someone bought a shirt I would do Somersaults with Handsprings and Twists- down the tile hallway of my apartment. If someone bought a shirt I would call my mom and say, “Hey mom, I made it!”

If someone bought a shirt I would climb the highest mountain- then run down it and pick up all the trash in the world. I would punch every bully square in the mouth, kiss every baby, hug every tree, wash everyone’s car, help push all the cars that break down at intersections, pump everyone’s gas, and make sure everyone has enough air in their tires…

I would paint the most beautiful picture across the sky- with cloud dust. I would take a deep breath and blow it into another beautiful picture- over and over and over again until everyone stopped being greedy assholes and hurting each other and being sad all the time.

I would pop a bottle of the cheapest champagne and take some selfies. I would buy drinks “for all my friends”. I would tip the bartender at the bowling alley 100 on 2, and say, “It’s OK that you are distracted, self-absorbed, and playing a game or whatever on your phone while I am standing here in great thirst, while my people anxiously await my return- so I can throw another majestic almost strike and they can resume bowling/taking my easy earned money.”

I would solve pie, cure cancer and get rid of aids. I would pay off the US national debt and hook up all the other countries as well. I would stop war, terrorism, abuse, inequality, hunger, bad jokes, bad breath, and judgment.

I would make love legal everywhere. I would keep taking deep breaths and re-painting the sky until people understood…

If someone bought a shirt I would look for an office building immediately. I would rent the biggest one, put speakers everywhere and play all the best music to party to- during after hours, weekends and holidays. I would add a basketball hoop immediately. I would hire all the best and the brightest- and the hardest working. I would let them bring their pets to work.

I would kiss the floor, point to the sky and dab. I would start dusting and straightening all the stuff hanging on the wall. I would knock on the neighbors’ door and tell them to let it all go, “You are innocent beings, you will regain perspective when I snap my fingers- you will love and support each other, or let each other go to find that elsewhere.”

I would snap my fingers.

I would tell Kodi, “It’s OK that you almost never work- despite that little message that always says, ‘working…’. I still love you, and I know you are just doing what you can/what you think is right.”

I would call Crystal Geyser and say, “Hey guys, great water. Don’t worry about my lacerated thumb cuticle, the cuts on my nose and lips, and the blood dripping down onto my laptop. I know that new flip-top cap y’all rolled out is good for not losing your water cap anymore. Problem solved. Well done and I love you.

If someone bought a shirt I would end the longest, perhaps dumbest poem ever…

I would stop channeling Shell Silverstein or whoever wrote those amazing poems for kids that got me through. Or, I would channel him better and help other kids get through…

Being a kid is hard- even though it’s such an easy life. How do we fix that?

If someone bought a shirt I would snap my fingers and fix that- while hopefully not disturbing the peace next door. If the screaming and door slamming and never smiling had to resume though, so be it. I’m all about the kids- and then everyone else…

I would teach others to take deep breaths. I would teach them to blow beautiful cloud art- so I could take breaks. I would use my breaks to apologize to all the people I’ve been meaning to forgive. I would apologize for not having better understanding, for not communicating better, for not fading my highly sensitive person downsides.

Once you learn something about yourself, you can fade it, whatever it is- if you try REALLY hard…

I would fade all my downsides until my last breath/painting across the sky. I would only love or understand moving forward- nothing else. No more tears of non-joy, no more blood boiling (except when core exercising), no more pain, no more looking back, no more being a sucker, no more beating myself up (this poem is fucking awesome and I know it), no more bad luck.

If someone bought a shirt…


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