Overwhelmed

Last night I was overwhelmed. I was sick as hell, jacked on coffee, and trying to build/edit my blog site. All night the night before I was sick as hell, jacked on coffee, and reviewing/analyzing forensic cases- my new freelance job that is 0% boring…

In a way, reviewing/analyzing forensic cases (folks who suffer from Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, etc, awaiting trial for some unfathomable shit they allegedly did) makes me feel more “normal”/less fucked up. More so though, it just makes me feel lucky as hell that I haven’t been surrounded by violence, death and hardcore drugs my whole life…

The only drug I ever more than dabbled in was Adderall. I did it to stay up forever, so I could play poker- my obsession/calling/dream job that over time became a daily trek to the coal mine with raging black lung. And then I did it to make the drive from CA to Vegas (and back) less agonizing. And then I did it to not feel sick. And then I just did it (like Nike)…

After a while I got paranoid and trusted the world even less than I always had (which was almost completely). I started feeling differently about just about everyone in my life, and I feared I might lose my best friend/the only one I really had left/the one I didn’t feel differently about at all…

So I stopped.

But what if I hadn’t?

 

The several nights prior to the two nights already described I wasn’t sick, just jacked on coffee and working my ass off on anything and everything I thought might help me GTFO of the enormous hole I find myself in after running worse for A YEAR in poker than anyone ever earning a quarter million less in 2017 than expectation/my career average…

Also, my best friend growing up- his mom passed away yesterday. She never wore shoes, and she drank Coke and smoked Winstons around the clock… She was adopted by a rich lady as a kid, grew up a hippy, and then formed and ran the most amazing family I’ve ever known. She was tough on her kids when it came to sports, but loved ‘em like crazy and was ALWAYS there for them. She was never tough on me though, and she loved me like one of them. And that shit helped a lot when I was a kid.

R.I.P. Mary (your 4th kid is fucking balling his eyes out right now, barely seeing the words he’s forming on his laptop<– I did not see this coming)

My best friend of the last decade or so, I called him after I got the news- right after my best friend growing up didn’t answer. He thinks someone poisoned him. He thinks he has Leuko- something or other. I got him off drugs (ALL of them) a few months ago. It wasn’t easy, but I had something going for me which most people just don’t- I fucking give a shit about other people…

Come to think of it, I got my best friend growing up off ALL the drugs too, when he was 21-years-old and about to have his first kid. That wasn’t easy either, but wtf, love ain’t really love unless it’s tough sometimes…

Anyways, my best friend of the last decade or so- he’s just depressed and experiencing delayed withdrawal symptoms from the benzos (my new boss is a fucking angel). I’m really hoping he will start thinking about others again though once he starts to heal. Otherwise, he’s fucking out…

If you are COMMUNAL, you are in- no questions asked. If you are a nit, you are out- no matter who you are. That’s just the way it’s got to be for me moving forward…

I was also worrying about my current best friend who always says everything is fine- all the while knowing if I could just get some momentum I could climb out of this fucking canyon I’m in and do some really amazing shit for all the people I love…

Like have a little pep in my step for the first time in over a year.

 

Anyways, back to last night- I was overwhelmed. Couldn’t think, couldn’t write, couldn’t analyze alleged felons, couldn’t stop worrying about loved ones, couldn’t slow down my thumping heart…

And then it kicked in- the adrenaline or whatever (I’ll ask my boss) that stops anxiety attacks for a second and makes you do the hardest thing in the world (if you are like me}–> look out for #1… I closed my laptop, fired the gun on a Shameless marathon, and just started breathing…

Breathing is GOAT. “In through the nose and out through the mouth”, “pizza breaths”, what have you…

I only opened my laptop once the rest of the night to search twoplustwo for some non-poker shit (this used to relax me), and I ended up posting this as Fiona was fucking up/her boss’s brother<–  goddamn it’s hard to break the chains of our childhood. I mean Fiona, WTFFFFFFF?

(am I pathetic for wanting her to make it at Cup World and with the one dude who was good for her? I feel like I am. Please don’t tell anyone)

The rest of the night/early morning I just chilled, breathed, and watched this GOAT show (yeah, I fired the gun again). Episode after incredible episode- nit Frank finally being held accountable for his nittery, Fiona taking a trip to Nit Ville with King Nit (her boss’s brother), etc… I completely stopped thinking about everyone else in the world for a few hours (like a nit!). I had to. I was overwhelmed…

By the time Frank’s actual firstborn (afawk) restored my faith in humanity/the Gallaghers a little, my focused breathing had restored a reasonable heart rate/adequate tranquility. It was time to go to bed…

 

As I walked to my “office”, my firstborn (afawk) stumbled out of her room in one of my old shirts that she sleeps in. She was too tired for conversation (she’s “allergic to mornings”), so she just said “Hi Daddy” and kept on stumbling towards the kitchen (it was no big deal to her that her father was going to bed as she was waking up to go to 2nd grade)…

As any father can tell you, a simple “High Daddy” from your daughter/firstborn after you’ve been wrestling with some grown up shit is a damn syringe full of endorphins.

And then DGAF Jr walked out behind his sister in an adult sized Antonio Gates jersey. The kid is blessed with a combination of looks, innocence and charisma like no other, probably exactly like your 5-year-old boy is/was/will be. He asked me if we could “walk to school on the dirt path” (this what we do when I run the morning routine), and he handled it pretty well actually when I told him I was too sick to do that (kid is sensitive AF- just like his daddy). I quickly ran through the 3 fives (up high, on the side, and down low- too slow obv) like any good father would, and I let him go find his sister to drive her crazy join her for breakfast.

I slept pure, for about 5 hours. 5 pure hours is plenty imo. I woke up with positive energy and a sea level heartbeat. I made coffee and a time management schedule/commitment (I’m a closet Excel spreadsheet geek). Then I looked over all my get out of debt (and poker)/do some good in this world projects. I was undaunted. A couple hours later I went and picked up my two beacons (now in kid’s clothing) from school. I spent the rest of the day just being a Dad, and for the first time in a long time- feeling like a completely empty case file.

Breath kids. Manage your time. Avoid the nits. Respect the Joan Cusak’s.

 

*If you are super astute and wondering why the Shameless references are out of order, it’s because I wrote this post a few days ago and I wasn’t sure about it. I just edited it and said fuck it tonight- with Shameless on AGAIN…

At first I thought the Frank and Bianca thing was an error. And then I realized nothing is black and white. Yeah, Frank is a huge nit, but he wasn’t born that way… 

 

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