Helicopter Parents

DGAF Jr has cleared “the important years”.  He’s 5 1/2 now, and it seems like a good time to acknowledge all the things he hasn’t done that his daddy had at this age…

He hasn’t shown up to pre school with no shoes…

He hasn’t gotten caught stealing candy from Vons (getting replacement shoes later that morning)…

He hasn’t played “5 minutes in the closet” with a bunch of 8-year-old chicks at a dual slumber party…

He hasn’t spent 30 minutes completely naked in a bathroom with a neighborhood girl…

He hasn’t been shot at (BB gun) and chased by the Luke Gang walking from kindergarten to the babysitter’s house by himself…

He hasn’t taken any proper beatings…

He hasn’t been held down against his will and spit on…

He hasn’t cut his finger off in his backyard on a broken window shard…

He hasn’t had 3 surgeries…

He hasn’t ridden a grown up bike, with no helmet on, down a hill, his body through the side of it because he wasn’t tall enough to sit on the seat, impressing the entire neighborhood, before smashing in his face into the street…

He hasn’t seen any of his friends’ moms naked…

He hasn’t looked at any porn…

He hasn’t smoked cigarettes with Tommy Smith outside the Westwood Club…

He hasn’t had the power turned off at night by a babysitter’s A-hole boyfriend…

He hasn’t been bitten by any dogs…

He hasn’t been bitten by an organ grinder monkey…

He hasn’t driven a golf cart into a wall…

 

Really, DGAF Jr has been sheltered his entire life. Always supervised, no overnights yet, no baby-sitters outside of family, no sexual encounters, no time in danger, etc. He’s just been held a lot, hugged a lot, taught constantly, taken to the beach, etc. His favorite thing to do is go to the park down the street and play with all the other kids with similar parents (who are also at the park).

Fucking Helicopter Parents.

 

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1 thought on “Helicopter Parents

  1. Man, that kid had a crazy first 5! Keep breaking the chain…

    Like

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