When you are sick again, because you are stuck in a rut and not sleeping enough, not eating well, not exercising, not socializing, not laughing, not fucking- just working way too hard on way too much, and worrying way too much about others/shit that is really out of your control…

And most of Netflix makes you yawn because you already finished Shameless, Sons of Anarchy, and Breaking Bad- and comedies just don’t work…

And you find yourself binge watching Lockdown from underneath a blanket in a dark room- cuz why the fuck not/at least it distracts you from how shitty you feel…

That’s Lockdown.

And then the leader of the Crips in Lebanon Prison in Ohio–the baddest dude in the place, who runs shit and is harder than anyone you know (I promise)–agrees to participate in a program where victims’ families get to confront their family members’ killers…

On the day he is supposed to go meet with the mother of the man he shot to death–for disrespecting him during a simple drug deal–a few years prior, this shot caller- who you were certain was a stone cold sociopath, is a nervous fucking wreck. He can no longer look straight into the camera and talk prison business like a perfect criminal robot. Instead he’s twitchy, his hands open and close a lot, he rubs his bald head and turns it sideways to steer his eyes away from the camera, he inhales deeply, etc.

But he doesn’t chicken out.

The victim’s mother fights her way through a letter she’s prepared. She digs deep and forgives the man who took away (forever) what was most important to her. She doesn’t forgive his act, but she forgives him. She encourages him to change his ways and to be a good father to his son.

The victim’s mother is relieved– you can see it clearly on her tear-dripping face. And you can barely even recognize the Crips leader as he walks back to his cell- he’s as human as anyone you know (I promise).

Facing your fears is the shit…

Whether it be facing the mother of the dude you killed and realizing you aren’t the devil- you just fucked up horrifically one night, or finally filing for a way overdue divorce and realizing that doesn’t make you a bad dad- it just makes you one that takes action when need be, who is committed to making/keeping himself whole- so he can be the best dad possible, for as long as possible…

Even if you procrastinate a few years sometimes.


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3 thoughts on “Lockdown

  1. Sorry to hear about your recent troubles. Often the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. Keep your head up.

    P.S. Bloodline is a pretty bad ass show if you’re looking for a new one.


  2. Thanks. That was an old, unfinished piece from a month or so ago. I don’t always post right after I write… Bloodline season 1 was great. Season 2 I thought was watchable, and season 3 not so much. IDK.


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