When do I write?

I write when there is something inside of me I need to get out. I write when something bad or sad has happened. I write when I have been unlucky.

I write to remind myself that no matter how unlucky I get at a poker table- I’m still really lucky. I’ve got a 5-year-old boy who raises and lowers his eyebrows all the time to flirt with people and make them laugh. I’ve got an 8-year-old daughter who every time I think about her, I happy-cry inside a little (wait ’til you have a daughter, you’ll see). I’ve got an admittedly tiny inner circle that would do anything for me…

I write because at 44 I’m finally starting to fade my tendency to just feel like shit for a while when something goes wrong. I write because until I do something “wrong”, I refuse to feel guilty- I certainly shouldn’t feel guilty about not winning after all the money went in with QQ vs K8 on 8422, right?

Why is my default to feel guilty?

I write because I’m not much of a concrete thinker when I’m by myself- and I’m often by myself. I write because I like letting my fingers tap a keyboard with no plan, no idea what might appear on the screen. I write because I live for improv and stream of consciousness:

When I woke up this morning it was afternoon. I went to bed in the morning. I gave the Lyft driver 5 stars because their rating system is flawed- I gave him 3 at first and they asked what he could do better. I mean his car wasn’t as nice as the average Lyft driver’s car, but should I dock him for that? My car is less nice than his- and I don’t even care about stuff like that anyways. He didn’t say one word the entire ride from Encore to Panorama- should I dock him for not having social skills? Does anyone choose to not have social skills? I have them- like Vegas has hotel rooms. And like Vegas hotel rooms, my social skills were built from the ground up. So what if the Lyft driver’s social skills are Vegas way back when it was just desert? I used to be awkward and shy and anxious a lot too. Then I started working jobs where I had to manage people. I had to hire them and fire them- but mainly just get the most out of them by inspiring them and supporting them and letting them be imperfect. That helped me become less introverted. So did loneliness and being horny. I wanted friends acquaintances and I wanted affection. I was a lot like DGAF Jr in that regard. Go figure. I was good looking (very good looking?), DGAF Jr is fucking beautiful. I really hope he treats the zillions of women that will love him well. I think he will. He is insatiable, but he is also insanely sweet and empathetic and sensitive. I’m pretty sure he is going to break my record- or not. Maybe his good childhood will make him a lot less love starved than I was when he grows up. He’s only 5…

I write when I have coffee. It’s a race against time. Tap away as fast as you can while the caffeine has you locked in, and try to hit “Publish” before you start to crash…

Why do some of us think our words are important? Why do we feel the need to post every clever little thing we think of on Twitter? Don’t we know people are saying, “Geez man, try to be a little less self-absorbed, it’s a big world with lots of people in it, you are just one.”

I write when I am self-absorbed. 

 

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