Better

My last post was pretty bitter. This one will be better...

You see, that I’m stuck in poker and trying win doctor money while buying into games with coins from the couch–and that all winnings immediately go to expenses/bills/debt until God let’s me have a few sessions of run good in a row (Come on, God, I’m doing good things in the world- I’m doing a podcast that helps people, I’m pouring my heart into raising two amazing children, I’m treating my tiny inner circle with more love and loyalty than they have ever seen, I’m even working out and eating healthy sometimes ffs!)–is entirely my fault.

I’ve always been too in the moment. Too financially parked. Too wanting to help and please- my policy has always been, “Mi Dinero Es Su Dinero”. I didn’t think about the depths of variance, what it really might look like so far below the equator. You know, down in South Pokerica…

I also was too self-destructive. And despite it being obvious as hell (I’m sure) to everyone else, I had no insight into it. And therefore it was impossible that I would have any insight into WHY.

But I’m getting better…

I know I’m not alone in that I grew up alone. I also know it wasn’t even my parents fault that I honestly couldn’t give them more than 2 stars if I were to do a Yelp review on them. They had (and probably still have) no insights into their own shit/shortcomings back then…

Insight is the beginning of getting better. You have to fucking know what’s wrong with you first. Then you have to know how to manage what is wrong so you never go too low moving forward. Then- if you want to actually fix what is wrong with you, you have to dig the deepest you ever have and boldly trek into that dark cave that is all your repressed childhood memories. Then you have to talk A LOT to someone who will listen (you will probably have to pay for this, but maybe not).

Then you just have to let it all go…

I’m still in the process of letting it all go. It’s an ongoing process, but I feel like I’m further along than anyone I know. And because of that, I feel compelled to spew to as many people as will listen that it is liberating as fuck. Sure, it’s brutal when you start and very weird-feeling as you begin to move forward as an enlightened person. But then, you just start to feel…

Better.

The blog post should have ended ^^^ I think, but I am an over-proof-reader sometimes. And I’m probably just forever a spewy AF dude, for better or worse. And I’m OK with that. Part of getting better is realizing that you are far from perfect and that you can’t change everything. You know, the “God grant me the serenity…” thing…

Wait- I’m not quitting drinking. I just remember that when I used to sleep at my grandma’s house in Tucson, Arizona, that credo/poem/whatever it is was stitched into a banner that hung on a wall in the room I slept in.

I didn’t know my grandpa…

Anyways, I’ve got insight now. Hopefully I can stop being so bitter. Even if I never ever ever ever ever run _________.

 

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Categories Poker Life

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