As I lay pinned down on the floor of the abyss, something made me rip open my chest, pull out my heart, un-stitch all my old wounds, and for the first time ever, study my own history… It took a while (and lots of stitching back up), but I believe I now understand pretty clearly how my specific genetics x environment x variance shaped me into the person I have always been. And because of this understanding/enlightenment–> I believe I now have the rare opportunity to actually exercise some free will and fade my “destiny” (which I don’t think is very pretty).
I also feel like I understand others much better. I realize they are almost always just products of their own specific genetics x environment x variance (same as I was until just a few months ago- 43 years into “this thing called life“). I realize they really have no choice but to be who they are (some are great already though- props to their parents AND their good fortune) unless they become enlightened themselves. And because of this, I’m coming dangerously close to not being able to be mad at anyone ever again…
“Everyone just does what they think is right.”
My dad said ^^^ actually. I don’t remember the exact context (I’m pretty sure we were talking about an athlete in the news who had just fucked up- sports has always been our go to topic during our rare visits/conversations), but for some reason that sentence has been bouncing around in my head for ~ 20 years now... Maybe because some things just ring true in our ears when we hear them, but we don’t know why until much later. Maybe because I immediately thought back to all the times I had fucked up- and I still can’t recall fucking up on purpose even once… Maybe because I sensed my dad was subconsciously trying to fade his own guilt for abandoning his kids- when he was likely just too young and too weak (and too unenlightened) not to…
I forgive you, dad. I forgive you, mom. I forgive you, brother. It’s cool, I get it. None of you really had a choice… Just please don’t try to deny me my enlightenment/a chance at a much better 2nd half of my life by pretending/arguing that what happened, didn’t. Thank you.
^^^ is an excerpt from my long-winded bio.